Fear. I hate it. Anxiety. It cripples me. Worry. I barely remember my life without it.
Yes, me. The one who has shared of all the freedom the Lord has given me from it. Three years ago I was here, and two years ago I walked out the other side in victory over and over again as I allowed God to rid me of each thought and belief that set itself up against the knowledge of who He is. It was beautiful and even with all of the weights that were being lifted, still I believed that the Lord would continue to free me from this ugly tactic that the enemy uses to paralyze me, for the rest of my life. What I didn’t know however, was just how dauntingly this anxiety would come back and the things that I would soon settle to live with in my house. It didn’t happen overnight, the enemy quietly carried each box of lies into my heart and mind so innocently because at some point, I left the door unlocked. I welcomed him in. Regardless of the way of entry though, the reality is that he is here with all of his lies disguised as Truth, a wolf in sheeps clothing. So this is my house, I am a hoarder with boxes piled high covering the doors and the windows, refusing to let me out or any glimpse of light in, welcome to my home.
It’s been worse than ever before, this anxiety. What once threatened from far off now lives in my mind, the lies so tangled up in Truth. Who can sort out this mess? I can’t. It affects me daily and physically now, what used to come and go has like I said, moved in. It stays with me in my home, in my car, at work. It doesn’t care if I’m spending time with the Lord, my husband or my friends. He lives here, why should he leave for my company?
They say it takes a mere 200 thoughts to become a belief. That is a terrifying reality that I am living in. Each anxious thought has well exceeded its means to be able to take root in my heart. My mind is a battleground, waging war within, betraying me. The enemy spits Scripture at me, chewed up, twisted, and misused, just as he did with Jesus during His forty days in the desert (Matthew 4). Confusion clouds my mind and anxiety fills my heart as my gracious, kind, and loving Lord is presented to me as Someone who does not have good plans for me, who will not speak to me in the ways that He used to, and who is merely and barely putting up with me, ready to relinquish His Parental rights to me at any moment.
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I am not the only one who has thoughts, though.
The psalmist, David, says: “Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done; and Your thoughts toward us cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.” (Psalm 40:5).
Not only does the Lord have more thoughts towards me than the enemy feeds me, but He also has better thoughts towards me. Psalm 139 depicts a beautiful understanding of the Lord’s thoughts towards me.
“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit down and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say ‘Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the light will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand! When I am awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
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So the boxes are piled high, the windows covered and the door barricaded and it’s dark, it seems hopeless. I am no savior, and if this is the end of the story then it’s to my demise. I do have a Savior, though, and He doesn’t need access to the window or the door of my home, because His chosen place of residency is inside of me. The Light of the World, Jesus Christ, lives in me and shines brightly through the cracks of my broken human state to expose all of the lies. You see, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:15).
Friend, your adversary, the devil prowls around like a lion roaring seeking to devour you (1 Peter 5:8). He is cunning, he is tricky, but he is ultimately defeated. In this world we will have trouble, Jesus says, but it doesn’t end there. “Take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). One day, when the heavens and earth pass away, I will have a new home, Jesus is preparing the mansion for me now, and He is a hoarder, too. He has all of my tears bottled in a jar, they are so precious to Him. Oh, and He also has boxes of Truth piled higher than the skies, revealing all of His loving thoughts towards me, outnumbering the grains of sand.
My security isn’t found in my understanding of the complexities of this life or in the hidden mysteries of the Lord as my mind so often tries to convince me is the case, but in the Person of Jesus Christ who is my Help in time of need, the Saver of my soul and my Sustainer.
My friends, if you are battling with your mind in any of the varieties of how that can look, please believe that there is Hope to be found, and He has a name, sweet Jesus. Seek out the help that you may need, but if you are a believer in Jesus Christ and have trusted Him as your Lord and Savior, He is the ultimate Healer. He did not save you from hell only to leave you wandering, but to be your very present help in times of need, even now.
If you have not trusted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, He loves you and is beckoning you to come to Himself. He has great plans for your life. He is not waiting for you to clean up your life, He wants to give you a whole new one, not one void of trials, suffering and struggles, but one that is full of hope where He holds you in the palm of His hand and carries you through the tough stuff, a life where you have a blessed assurance of eternity with your Savior, Father and Truest Friend, finally free of evil where “He will wipe every tear from (your) eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away” (Revelations 21:4).
Megan
